


Bart Mayne

by Merixcil



Series: Tumblr Fics [77]
Category: Batman - All Media Types, DCU (Comics)
Genre: Crack, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-11
Updated: 2020-03-11
Packaged: 2021-02-28 16:41:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,081
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23110360
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Merixcil/pseuds/Merixcil
Summary: Joker purposefully mispronounces Batman's name all over town
Relationships: Joker (DCU) & Bruce Wayne
Series: Tumblr Fics [77]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1759627
Comments: 4
Kudos: 32





	Bart Mayne

“So I says to the guy: ‘No Way! Batman goes out dressed like that because he likes it.’ Get it?”

The audience look at up at him with a worryingly absent amount of fear. No one laughs their lungs up, or even their breakfast. Their loss, Joker supposes. It’s a very good joke but there’s no accounting for taste, not that he’s going to let them get away with being so insolent. He stamps his foot and the stage answers with a hollow boom that he likes so much he does it again, and again, till it develops into a steady rumble that has the audience quaking in their seats.

Joker brings the interlude to a conclusion with a flourish that garners only moderate applause. He bends down to snatch someone from the front row, a skinny little thing with the most wonderfully wide, terrified eyes. “Tell me, kid. Has the whole catch gone bad or was that last one just a limp fish?”

“What?”

“That last joke! Why didn’t it land?”

“Well…see…”

“Spit it out!”

“We don’t know who Bart Mayne is, Mister Joker, sir.”

“Please, Mister Joker was my father.” Joker chides, giving the kid a bop on the head that knocks them out cold. “As for the rest of you, what are you smoking? That was a perfectly good Batman joke.”

Silence, followed by one of those coughs that travel round comedy clubs like a deadly disease, killing the mood. When someone does pluck up the courage to speak their mind, they’re sat at the back of the room, far out of range of spit soaked paper towels. “You just said the same thing.”

Some people are just too stupid to argue with, so Joker doesn’t bother. He lights a few fires on the way out of The Chucklehouse Comedy Club and figures that the Bat will be able to take it from there.

Tommy’s a pretty good little henchman. If by ‘little’ you mean ‘six feet four inches of muscle and daddy issues’. He likes being told that he’s done a good job and he likes have a stack of cash to take home at the end of the day, you know, the simple pleasures. Joker’s grown an unseemly soft spot for him.

“Just you and me this time round, Tommy boy. But we gotta be smart about it, so when old Bat Brain shows up he thinks there’s at least twenty guys in the room. Just imagine- he’ll be running around looking for ghosts. Like Scooby Doo!” Joker saps his thigh and indulges in a hearty guffaw. He’s earned it. It’s a very good mental image.

Tommy laughs too, like the good boy he is. “Good one, Mister J.”

“If we’re extra super lucky, some kid will swing by and catch the whole thing on smartphone, post it up on Youtube and then, voila! All of Gotham will know what an idiot the Batman really is.”

Bless his heart, Tommy is still smiling, even while showing off his best impression of a confused goldfish. “But Mister J, I thought we was going after Batman?”

“We are going after Batman.”

“So who’s Bart Mayne?”

On second thoughts, Tommy’s nothing special. Joker finds the nearest skewer and shoves it up his nose to get to his brain, Egyptian style. Unfortunate, but what can you do? He really can’t be blamed for the whole town going deaf.

This is gonna be exceptionally cool. Movie magic, plenty of atmosphere for the non-existent cameras. The scene is soaked in rain. The scene is soaked in rain and the goons Two Face hired to do his symmetrical bidding are sporting a fine selection of broken bones and bloody noses.

Joker raises his gun to the head goon’s temple. “When Batman gets here, tell him Joker sent you.”

“Why are you saying his name like that?” One of the idiots sobs, flexing pathetically against his bindings. “Why do you keep saying Bart Mayne?”

“Come on now! If I were saying Bart Mayne, how would you know I was talking about Batman?”

“You put it on the sign, right next to the picture of the Bat signal.”

Joker squints at the handy sign he made to help the Bat make sense of the scene. It’s mostly washed out in the rain but sharpie has a certain indelible something that holds on long after the top layer of ink has peeled away. “What are you talking about? B-A-R-T-M-A-Y-N-E. That spells Batman. I know because I saw it on Sesame Street.

“Your still saying it wrong.” The lead goon says, around what’s soon to be a mouthful of misplaced teeth.

Joker shuts him up with a bullet to the brain. After that no one has much to say about the way he says anything.

It takes three weeks to track The Joker down. Either he’s getting smarter or the people who shelter him are starting to build up some long-term loyalty. Bruce moves in on the Chinatown safehouse he’s sure the clown is hiding in, coming in low and silent so that when he knocks down the door, any henchmen on hand won’t have time to breathe before he’s on them.

Only there are no henchmen. There isn’t much of anything, not even a bed. What there is, is a rather placid looking Joker, bowtie discarded and sleeves rolled up, pouring over a set of blueprints scattered across the floor. “Well hello, darling! I was wondering when you might pop by.”

“Come quietly, there’s no need to make a mess.” Bruce growls. It won’t work, but he’ll feel better for trying.

“Oh but Bats, you know how I love mess. I think, maybe, everyone loves mess. Or at least, they love the messes we make. Bart Mayne and The Joker, painting the town red. Is that insensitive? I mean, we’re in Chinatown and those guys are a bunch of com-“

“Why did you- Is that why people have been saying my name weirdly?” Bruce cuts him off.

Joker does a double take at being interrupted. “Rude! And how have people been saying your name? What a good joke.”

“I don’t…I think…you…My name’s not Bart Mayne!”

“Well obviously not, it’s Bart Mayne.”

Bruce sorely hopes that the clown doesn’t know how high he’s having to count to keep from flying off the handle. “I’m taking you to Arkham.”

Joker blows a long,loud raspberry. “Jeez, Barts. Learn to laugh every now and then.”

**Author's Note:**

> Comments are love!
> 
> Come find me on [tumblr](https://jeffersonhairpie.tumblr.com/) and [twitter](https://twitter.com/chadfuture_)


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